Grief, Grace and Gratitude: Permission to Mourn the life You Lost

 The concept of mourning something or someone that you can still see, touch, speak to-- something tangible--made absolutely no sense to me until recently. Ever the optimistic realist, I'm pretty good at finding the positive in just about anything.

Living with illnesses since birth, keeping an optimistic outlook is in part what made life bearable. Having worked in the Health/Human Services industry for more than a decade, consulting others on their journey of healing-- spiritually, mentally and emotionally was part of the job. 

As I've been out of commission with a horrible flare and some new symptoms the past few weeks, I had an epiphany of sorts. While I read all the books, meditated, prayed(without ceasing) and tried different therapies, the one thing I didn't do was give myself permission to mourn my own loss. 

To be fully transparent, these past few weeks have been pure torture, leaving me on complete bed rest and feeling isolated and alone. Long and debilitating flares are not new to me, but this one but different for some reason. While I watched a family friend gather some things for donation, I was overcome with feelings of sadness, anger and frustration. As she tried her best to comfort me and figure out what was wrong, all I could whisper was" I don't even feel alive anymore". 

The material possessions weren't the issue, but rather finally accepting--truly accepting-- that parts of my life and lifestyle as I had lived it were over. If you have flares you know we will do almost anything to not cry because it makes the flare that much worse but I just couldn't help it. 

I have full faith and belief that God can and if he chooses, will completely heal and restore my body. There is no doubt in my mind what God can do. That being said, I've had to accept where I am in the present and that hasn't been easy. The struggle is real when you hold out hope for what can be while trying to battle the reality of what a situation is.

I personally don't even like to speak the word "death". The word itself means a permanent end of something and my faith teaches me there is power in the spoken word, and to speak life over circumstances and situations, something I've always done. 

So how on earth do I balance this wave of grief in one hand while praising God and being grateful in the other??? Much like Ezekiel and the valley of bones, the lesson is one of transformation-- one that I believe every person living with chronic illness must reckon with on their own time, in their own way.

In that moment and the days that  followed, I had to give myself permission to grieve. It hurts that many of the things I could do not so long ago with ease-- cooking, hiking, strutting in my favorite pair of heels (all heels are my favorite) now require assistance or can't be done at all. That hurts. Accepting that in the present I live with physical limitations that I  may have to live with for the rest of my life was hard, heavy and necessary.  

It was necessary for me to say all of this out loud, acknowledging that in spite of my belief, my prayers, my doing all the things to manage my symptoms the best I can---my best still may not lead to restoration. Whew!! It's a lot...a whole lot. I hate feeling like such a burden to my loved ones.I miss hiking Stone Mountain just to see the sunset. I miss the spontaneity of a weekend getaway and you know what? That's okay. All of those feelings are perfectly okay. 

When I was able to sit outside the other day, I had to catch myself (again) from griping and complaining. The weather was gorgeous but I was irritated that I couldn't take the walk I wanted too. Literally at that moment, a cousin reached out reminding me it was the birthday of a recently lost loved one. I instantly felt a sense of guilt. This time not for my anger but for my lack of gratitude. 

Yes, it's normal and perfectly okay to feel the gamut of emotions that come with being chronically ill. That's called being human.

What's not okay( for me) is to not express gratitude (daily) for the grace God has given by allowing me to see a day someone else didn't get to see. How dare I. In spite of all the pain--physical and emotional--I'm still here and for that I am truly grateful. 

To anyone struggling, know this--- healing is a journey not a destination. Allow yourself to grieve whatever you feel has been lost. Cry it out, scream , write it down, walk it off-- release it- and when you're done, thank God you're still on this side of Heaven. 

No matter how dark the day, there's always someone much worse off than you and maybe, just this is your season to discover the power and purpose of your pain. Hold on warriors, brighter days are coming. Til next time ❣️

#grief #grace #gratitude #healing